Modern science presents many mysteries that aren't fully understood by the people who read about them. Here's why
by Phineas U. Frumpwinkle, K.M.A.
Most people with little or no knowledge of the real world nonetheless have, at one time or another, wondered about the oily swirls that form on the surface of coffee that's been sitting on the left burner in particular. How can these swirls be explained away in the terminology of modern-day particle physics, and does it matter? Why do you start to care less about it as the day progresses? And does it happen only to you, or is it just that others are insensitive jerks? To fake the answers to these questions, fifteen of my colleagues at Sterno Mastoid University conducted a double-blind experiment on deaf bats under carefully controlled Harbor Freeway conditions last Labor Day weekend. The results may well astound somebody.
Before the discovery of disposable styrofoam Bunsen burners, it was generally believed that quarks existed only in the form of dust specks found inside observatory telescopes. This view gradually gave way to the more accurate vision brought about by moving the observatories out of urban centers and putting them on mountains. The effect of this move on the philosophy of science is incalculable with less than 64K of memory. For instance, how does man justify his existence in an overall scheme that makes langostino so expensive? Is it possible to adapt the demands of a free marketplace to one's cell structure? And do two interrogative sentences always have to be followed by a third, even in a vacuum? Questions such as these continue to puzzle scientists to the present day, particularly when we're asked them by our children, who it was hoped would be able to explain them to us.
RANDOM ARRANGEMENT of pulsar emissions in the constellation Harpo produces long-wave interference on FM dials in the Hollywood Hills. Clouds of gas and dust surrounding the nucleus are heated to a temperature of 45×1043 Toyota seats and then cooled to absolute zero or the temperature of downtown Minneapolis, whichever is lower. Base frequencies fluctuate at a rate ten times the legal speed limit, creating peaks and valleys in a ratio equivalent to twice the length of Lawrence Welk's baton divided by the product of the squares on the other side. This figure raised to the power of its own factorial is the most popular number at Reno gambling tables.
TWO-DIMENSIONAL PATH followed by fly of the species Latinus italicus resembles a game of Pac-Man. Slight aberrations in normal tendency of path are caused by air movements created by rolled-up newspaper. When a strobe light is placed in one corner of the room, the fly does not alter its path, but the boredom is relieved somewhat. Under laboratory conditions Latinus exhibits greater flying accuracy than at Burbank Airport.
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