The Quantum Mechanics of Agricultural Workers in Their Relation to the Lattice Theory of Bacterial Calculus (1982)

Modern science presents many mysteries that aren't fully understood by the people who read about them. Here's why

by Phineas U. Frumpwinkle, K.M.A.

Most people with little or no knowledge of the real world nonetheless have, at one time or another, wondered about the oily swirls that form on the surface of coffee that's been sitting on the left burner in particular. How can these swirls be explained away in the terminology of modern-day particle physics, and does it matter? Why do you start to care less about it as the day progresses? And does it happen only to you, or is it just that others are insensitive jerks? To fake the answers to these questions, fifteen of my colleagues at Sterno Mastoid University conducted a double-blind experiment on deaf bats under carefully controlled Harbor Freeway conditions last Labor Day weekend. The results may well astound somebody.

Quark Confinement and Your Credit Rating

Before the discovery of disposable styrofoam Bunsen burners, it was generally believed that quarks existed only in the form of dust specks found inside observatory telescopes. This view gradually gave way to the more accurate vision brought about by moving the observatories out of urban centers and putting them on mountains. The effect of this move on the philosophy of science is incalculable with less than 64K of memory. For instance, how does man justify his existence in an overall scheme that makes langostino so expensive? Is it possible to adapt the demands of a free marketplace to one's cell structure? And do two interrogative sentences always have to be followed by a third, even in a vacuum? Questions such as these continue to puzzle scientists to the present day, particularly when we're asked them by our children, who it was hoped would be able to explain them to us.

RANDOM ARRANGEMENT of pulsar emissions in the constellation Harpo produces long-wave interference on FM dials in the Hollywood Hills. Clouds of gas and dust surrounding the nucleus are heated to a temperature of 45×1043 Toyota seats and then cooled to absolute zero or the temperature of downtown Minneapolis, whichever is lower. Base frequencies fluctuate at a rate ten times the legal speed limit, creating peaks and valleys in a ratio equivalent to twice the length of Lawrence Welk's baton divided by the product of the squares on the other side. This figure raised to the power of its own factorial is the most popular number at Reno gambling tables.

Isotopes Are Our Friends

In order to understand the content of any of the last three State of the Union messages, one must first become familiar with the concept of glueball coloration. Glueballs colored red can be likened to lawsuits having a negative charge, while green ones look better on a salad. An electron in motion gives off an indefinite number of photons in passing between two points, unless it goes under a bridge; for this reason, many scientists refer to diagrams of this process as "something we'll get to after lunch." A more detailed examination of this principle is given by Lucio Hernandez in his classic thesis, Curved Space—Does It Last Longer?, although much of what Hernandez writes about positrons has since been modified in light of recent experiments performed in New Jersey.

TWO-DIMENSIONAL PATH followed by fly of the species Latinus italicus resembles a game of Pac-Man. Slight aberrations in normal tendency of path are caused by air movements created by rolled-up newspaper. When a strobe light is placed in one corner of the room, the fly does not alter its path, but the boredom is relieved somewhat. Under laboratory conditions Latinus exhibits greater flying accuracy than at Burbank Airport.

Fashion Trends on Neptune

Up to this point we had been conducting our experiments only in a laboratory setting, so the decision was made to take some sushi and carrot chips into the back yard. It was there that our investigation began to take a more ontological bent, or so we read somewhere recently. In adapting to the effects of wind, noise, earthquakes, etc., it was found that the subject responded as before, but without offering to shake hands first. An observation of this kind had not been made since the Baklava experiments of 1860, unless you listen to my aunt. For an earlier example we must go back to the Zing Dynasty of 300 B.C., where the secret of the universe had apparently been written in Gregg cuneiform on a slate before someone lifted the plastic film. The surviving fragments have been decoded by modern computer methods, and yield the following message: "Price markdown issued last November was not received at our store. Please advise."

What are the far-reaching consequences of the current rate of galactic expansion for AT&T users? Thus far, all of our investigations have produced the same result; some of us are seriously considering taking up bowling instead. Perhaps by the early part of the 1990s we will begin to have some understanding of the science articles we read in the 1970s. For the meantime, however, it would seem in the best interest of mankind to conserve our natural resources, take our new findings with a minimum of sodium, and keep the plutonium on the highest shelf in the medicine cabinet. Only then can we finally know the answer to the question, "What was the question?" Unless, of course, someone finds a chicken with lips.


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