Digital Readout No. 2: Do Not Eat (2002)

Click here to play the entire show uninterrupted. For individual scenes, select from below. Clicking "Listen" will play the scene without showing you the script. Clicking "Read" will take you to the script, where you also will have the option to listen.

1. Morning montage 1:32 Listen Read
2. Cooking under pressure 3:07 Listen Read
3. Fortificommunication 1:42 Listen Read
4. Chore man 0:59 Listen Read
5. Tell me something I don't know 2:27 Listen Read
6. Remote possibilities 3:36 Listen Read
7. On off out in 3:09 Listen Read
8. Solutions offered 4:03 Listen Read
9. New not new 2:27 Listen Read

Characters:

Main character
Talk show host
ConCo spokesman

Talk show guests:
Dick Cheneyish
Congressman
Professor
Secretary

Lady in ConCo commercial
ConCo announcer
Max
Phil
Steve Irwin
9-11 announcer, somber
9-11 announcer, upbeat
Guy off mike
ConCo disclaimer
Gonna die
Puker

Track 1: Morning montage

Listen

[1-1:] (SON-04_195)

[1-2:] (Snoring)

[1-3:] (Alarm)

[1-4:] (Rooster)

[1-5:] (Waking up)

[1-6:] (Flush)

[1-7:] (Shower)

[1-8:] (Dryer)

[1-9:] (Shave)

Track 2: Cooking under pressure

Listen

[2-01:] (Egg crack)

[2-02:] Iíve got to savor every breakfast as if it were my last. Itís only a matter of time before they come for me.

[2-03:] (Dogs crying)

[2-04:] Yeah, you know, donít you? Theyíll get both of you, too. Theyíre coming for all of us. They want me and my little dogs too. (Repeat of dogs) Letís see what theyíre saying now.

[2-05:] (Tongue click)

[2-06:] (Egg beat)

(TV effect is 500Hz highpass)

[2-07:] So you think itís only a matter of time before they come for us.

[2-08:] We have credible evidence pointing in that direction.

[2-09:] Could you elaborate on just what this evidence is?

[2-10:] If I told you, then it wouldnít be credible any more.

[2-11:] Hm.

[2-12:] The bottom line is that going forward, we all have to be on the same page 24/7 and realize that getting another wake-up call like this is not an option. We have to get with the program and think outside the box.

[2-13:] Stupid buzzwords.

[2-14:] (Grinder)

[2-15:] Well, you know, I get paid to ask the tough questions, so I have to ask this: Isnít this all just scaremongering?

[2-16:] I think you should ask the people weíve managed to scare if they think thatís all it is.

[2-17:] (Production music: 0705, "Alleychase")

[2-18:] When we come back, Iíd like to talk more about what the governmentís doing to stop government inaction. But first, we have to leave you for a moment, so stay with us.

[2-19:] (Percolator)

[2-20:] (Bacon)

[2-21:] (Gorecki)

[2-22:] This month, Americans will mark the anniversary of a dark day in our nationís history. A day we wish had never happened, but that we canít forget. Weíll remember the impact of that day: the terror, the tragedy, the newfound strength and heroism within ourselves and our fellow citizensÖ

[2-23:] (Gillis)

Öand the savings! Youíll find all these things and more at Discount Sleaze Outletís Annual 9-11 Sale! Where itís our sworn mission to eradicate rising prices from the face of the earth! Donít be caught dead at home this Wednesday. Our security checkpoints open at 9am. But youíd better get here fast: The sale lasts only as long as Western civilization does! Come on out to Discount Sleaze Outlet, where your taste is never questionable!

[2-24:] I thought maybe theyíd wait a couple hundred years before doing that.

[2-25:] Bomb threats, chemical weapons, assassination attemptsÖif itís not one thing, itís another. How can I keep these things out of my kitchen once and for all?

[2-26:] Youíre in luck! Faceless enemies will be a thing of the past with the new ConCo Fearwall! Its patented Perpetumo technology assures that your home will be protected from unspecified events no matter what happens in the real world. And itís so simple. Just follow the self-destructible setup guide to set up Fearwall in any room in the house, and before you know it, no one will be coming anywhere near you any more.

[2-27:] I havenít had any visitors in days!

[2-28:] Isnít that amazing! Yes, with the easy one-time setup, youíll be able to turn terrorism into terror isnít!

[2-29:] Just get it and set it!

[2-30:] And if you call the number on your screen in the next 911 days, weíll throw in this UFO deflector absolutely free!

[2-31:] Iíve ordered mine.

[2-32:] The ConCo Fearwall is the ultimate public defender! Operators are standing by.

[2-33:] (Off mike) Actually, weíre sitting down.

[2-34:] Have your identity ready.

[2-35:] Fearwall is not effective on Segway human transporters.

[2-36:] That might even get here today, come to think of it.

Track 3: Fortificommunication

Listen

("Plink Plank Plunk")

[3-01:] (Open envelope)

[3-02:] (Eating) Letís see whatís in yesterdayís mail. Deadly Holidays magazineÖelectric billÖ

[3-03:] (Zap: 0741, "Laser 2")

[3-04:] Ow. Hereís a notification from MSN: "Your email is on its way and should arrive shortly. If you donít receive anything, please reread your membership agreement."

[3-05:] (Crumple)

[3-06:] (Birdie)

[3-07:] No, you donít get any. Iíll feed you in a minute. I hope that thing arrives today. Thatíd be great. That reminds me, I have to call the lodge.

("Rakes of Mallow")

[3-08:] (Dialing phone)

[3-09:] (Opening dog food, screaming screaming)

[3-10:] Yeah, hi. Nothing, just feeding the dogs. No, Iím not killing him, he does that when heís happy. Is that group solitaire match still on for this Friday? What do you need me to bring? Two of clubs. Got it. Anything going on over there now? New York Times? Well, thatís a good puzzle for people to be working on. Brings everyone together. Maybe Iíll stop by a little later, bring my Walkman. OK, well, donít let me interrupt you. Bye. Here you go.

[3-11:] (Dogs eating)

[3-12:] It was pretty windy last night, I probably need to sweep the porch.

Track 4: Chore man

Listen

("The Pennywhistle Song")

[4-01:] (Door opens)

[4-02:] (Ducks)

[4-03:] Hey, duckies.

[4-04:] (Sweeping)

[4-05:] (Clatter of junk)

[4-06:] Well, that was quite a windstorm we had. I can recycle some of this. Looks like a cold spell coming on; Iíd better bring some firewood around.

[4-07:] (Dumping wood into cart)

[4-08:] Hm, some of this is past the freshness date. I thought I already burned this one.

[4-09:] (Horse approaching)

[4-10:] Ah, Iíve been waiting for you.

[4-11:] I need your identity, please.

[4-12:] (Signing)

[4-13:] You can just leave it right here, thatís fine.

[4-14:] (Bronk)

[4-15:] All right! This is too cool. What can one say?

[4-16:] (Whinny)

Track 5: Tell me something I donít know

Listen

[5-01:] (TDK-16_312K)

[5-02:] (Carrying box into house)

[5-03:] This is gonna be great. Whereís that box cutter?

[5-04:] (Rifling through basket)

[5-05:] Here it is. Iím glad nobody walked off with that.

[5-06:] (Opening box, unfolding paper)

[5-07:] Boy, I canít make head or tail out of this. Guess I need to listen to this tape.

[5-08:] (Putting tape into player)

(Tape effect is 250Hz highpass)

[5-09:] This recording is for use only in connection with the purchase of the ConCo Fearwall. Unauthorized duplication of this recording is strictly prohibited. In fact, even we canít copy it. Each recording is individually read by one of our devoted staff of 1200 professional readers. You can probably find it on the Web somewhere, though. If you are listening to this tape before having removed the Fearwall from its box, please do so now. Iíll wait.

[5-10:] Very wellÖ

[5-11:] (Removing stuff from box as voice on tape hums)

[5-12:] Maybe I should stop the tape.

[5-13:] No, no, thatís fine. While youíre doing that, Iíll tell you about some of the great benefits that come with the Fearwall. Perpetumo technology surrounds your home with powerful electromagnetic forces that repel a number of government-certified dangers, such as dirty bombs, dirt bombs, bombers preceded by any word ending in "-cide," graffiti artists, special prosecutors, mujahideen, Jimmy Dean, killer bees, Nile viruses, nihilists, Sound Transit board membersÖ

[5-14:] How about spiders?

Nah, they donít care. Once youíve removed the Fearwall from its packagingÖ

[5-15:] Yeah.

Örefer to the handy setup guide and youíll be up and running in minutes. We hope you enjoy your new purchase.

[5-16:] Okay, well, that wasnít much of a tape.

[5-17:] Itís less than you know.

[5-18:] Huh?

You might want to stand back.

[5-19:] What?

[5-20:] (Self-destructs)

[5-21:] (Barking)

[5-22:] Well, thatís one less tape I need to keep around. Letís look at this. This doesnít look too hard. Think Iíll sit in front of the big TV while I figure this out.

Track 6: Remote possibilities

Listen

[6-01:] (Putting down in living room)

[6-02:] I hope theyíre talking about something else on TV now.

(Repeat of 2-05, tongue click)

[6-03:] Now the question I have for you, CongressmanÖ

[6-04:] I canít believe these guys are still on.

Öis how do you think this is going to play out with the voters? If people think their security is being compromised, wonít they start demanding some real answers, instead of what youíre about to say?

[6-05:] Unless we really can get in the zone and start doing the heavy lifting on that, down the road the paradigm is going to shift on that puppy and people are going to say, "Hey. This isnít the same old same old that I remember having back in the day."

[6-06:] Stupid cliches. Letís get another perspective.

[6-07:] (Change channels)

[6-08:] WEíRE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

[6-09:] What else is on?

(Repeat of 07, change channels)

[6-10:] (Production music)

[6-11:] (Rustling paper) Letís look at these instructions again.

[6-12:] Welcome back to Deep Retreats, where I see that Phil has been making some real progress on this alcove down here in our new underground bunker. Phil, whatís this going to be used for?

[6-13:] Max, this alcove is going to hold our sun lamp, which you need down here to avoid your vitamin D deficiency. What weíre going to do is take the moldings we made earlier and attach them all around the base here, which will help keep the lamp away from direct contact with the wall, since, as you see, itís on this tripod here.

[6-14:] Is that safe?

[6-15:] It will be, after we add this scaffolding, which you see Iíve sort of half put together here. Once thatís up, weíll be good to go.

[6-16:] Donít say "good to go."

[6-17:] This all should go up real quick and easy. ĎCourse, as always, itís essential that you have the right tool for the job.

[6-18:] (Tool mix)

[6-19:] What else is on?

(Repeat of 07, change channels)

[6-20, Twin Peaks edit:]

[Truman:] Good Lord.

[Cooper:] Incredible.

[T:] Can you believe this?

[6-21:] This showís weird.

[C:] Look at these pictures. 9:05 a.m.

[T:] Whole townís really badly shaken up.

[C:] Cremated. The person who committed these crimes isÖ

[T:] An animal.

[C:] Hawk?

[T:] Nah, it looks like a, a finch.

[C:] Well, Iím sure he meant to do that. Hereís a hint.

[T:] Whatíve you got there?

[C:] Envelope containing a white residue. Thatíll kill ya.

[T:] I wouldnít expect anything less. Heís right on time.

[C:] One perpetrator?

[T:] Who else is he dealing with?

[C:] That is enough for me to proceed. Heís out there somewhere.

[T:] Whereís he been?

[C:] Cave. Convenience store. High school. Forced to flee to India for his life. At the end of the dayÖvanished from the earth.

[6-22:] Donít say "at the end of the day," thatís annoyingÖ

[T:] Iíll put out an all points.

[C:] I would strongly suggest a temporary curfew.

[T:] You betcha. You rest easy now. Howís that coconut?

[C:] Quite all right.

[T:] How would you like some freshÖ

[C:] I hate asparagus.

[T:] God, youíre beautiful.

[C:] I beg your pardon?

[6-23:] What else is on?

(Repeat of 07, change channels)

[6-24:] Out here in the caves outside Tora Bora, this is where they like to hide. Theyíre the deadliest creatures youíll find in this part of the desert. Just one of these has enough power to bring down half a dozen civil liberties. [6-25:] It says I have to set these buttons here. Maybe weíll get lucky and find one. Weíve got to tread lightly, though. Weíre intruding on their habitat. Whup! Thereís a naughty. [6-26:] (Buttons on bridge) Youíre all right, mate. Letís see if we can get in closer.

[6-27:] (Phasers striking hull)

[6-28:] Crikey! Did you see that? That was a narrow escape. One false move and Iídíve been dead 300 million times over. They donít seem to want to get too close to meÖmust have seen the show.

[6-29:] Boy, I bet that gagís original.

(Repeat of 2-05, tongue click)

Track 7: On off out in

Listen

[7-01:] Well, I think weíre done here. So now, I should be able to turn this thing on and off with this remote.

[7-02:] (Little zabork, twice)

[7-03:] Hm, one way this light is on, and the other way this other light is on. (Looking at paper) I guess the top light means itís on. So this Ė must mean itís off. (Repeat of zabork)

[7-04:] ("The Big Wheel")

[7-05:] Now, letís see, it says this combination keypad needs to be concealed somewhere outside the house. So letís just step outside here for a momentÖ

[7-06:] (Sliding glass door opens and closes)

[7-07:] (Atavacron)

[7-08:] Whatís that?

[7-09:] (Door locks)

(Repeat of 5-21, barking)

[7-10:] I thought that thing was off.

[7-11:] (Trying to open door)

[7-12:] Oh, man! The thing wonít let me back in the house. Well, this keypad here is supposed to be able to disable it. Hm, hmÖ"Before using your keypad, you need to enter a combination. To do this, first enter the factory-installed access code to access the features. This code will be found on the outside of the plastic bag in which the keypad was packaged." Which is still in the house! I can see it there on the table, but I canít read it. If it were a little closer, I could read it. Hey! Hey, boys! One of you fetch the bag and bring it here to Daddy! Good thing we do this all the time. Get the bag!

[7-13:] (Dogs crying)

[7-14:] Nooo, donít cry! Get the bag! On the table! Bring the bag to Daddy! Donít cry! Stupid dogs. Donít tell me Iím going to have to break a window. I bet the dogs wonít like that, either. I knew Iíd have a use for this firewood.

[7-15:] (Picking up log)

[7-16:] Am I sure I want to do this.

[7-17:] (Burst of louder crying)

[7-18:] All right, thatís enough! Here goes.

[7-19:] (Sproing)

[7-20:] (Bonk)

[7-21:] Yow! That thing bounced right off. Itís those darn electromagnetic forces. All right, think. Think like a Fearwall. What would a Fearwall like? Wait a sec. Whatís that disclaimer they say at the end of the commercial?

(Repeat of 2-35, echo added)

[7-22:] I wonder if that means I could defeat it if I got one of those near it. Of course, nobody has one of those, so itís sort of moot. Or is it?

[7-23:] (Finding lawn mower)

[7-24:] Iíve got this manual lawn mower. That kind of looks like a Segway. What would happen if I took this lawn mower and set this old car battery on top of it?

[7-25:] (Setting battery down)

[7-26:] Letís get this as close to the glass door as we canÖ

[7-27:] (Settling Ė pause)

[7-28:] (Hum changes to tribble coos)

(End music)

[7-29:] Whatís happening? Huh, I guess it likes it. Must be the old opposites attract thing Ė the stay-at-home drawn to the gadabout and like that. Where is this headed?

[7-30:] (Door unlocks)

[7-31:] Do I hear it letting me in?

[7-32:] (Open door, enter house)

[7-33:] (Screaming)

[7-34:] Yes, oh, I was gone for hours. I gotta turn that thing off.

(Repeat of 02, zabork)

Track 8: Solutions offered

Listen

[8-01:] Well, now, that was too easy. If I could do that just now, anyone else could come along and do the same thing and just march right in here. This thing is no good. (Sigh) I gotta take my mind off this.

(Repeat of 2-05, tongue click)

[8-02:] Look at that mortar shell! Isnít she gorgeous!

[8-03:] Oh, shut up.

(Repeat of 6-07, change channel)

[8-04:] Now, Professor, weíve been hearing a lot about these Fearwall devices people have been setting up in their homes. The word on the street is, they donít work. What do you know about that?

[8-05:] Thatís right. It seems this device, which is supposed to be able to protect your home from all manner of invaders, can be easily fooled by a number of objects and object forms that break through its detection systems and effectively deactivate it.

[8-06:] Such as?

[8-07:] Well, take your ordinary outdoor garbage can. If someone were to approach your house with one of those, the Fearwallís sensors would shut down, allowing the intruder to enter your house. And it wouldnít even have to be an actual garbage can. The same thing would happen if the person used something that merely resembled or acted as a garbage receptacle, such as most peopleís personal computers.

[8-08:] Iím gettiní a beer.

[8-09:] (Opening can)

[8-10:] (Sipping)

[8-11:] And does this work in the other direction? Are there things that maybe shouldnít set off the Fearwallís defense mechanism that do set it off?

[8-12:] There are no known cases of that consistently happening, but yes, there are a few situations where the results are unpredictable. The Fearwall is supposed to prevent people and things from getting into your house, and not to act upon anyone or anything thatís already inside the house. But there have been reports of Fearwalls turning on their owners. Coupled with that is a glitch that occasionally misidentifies certain household objects as if they were explosive devices, such as an ordinary beverage can.

[8-13:] (Red alert klaxon)

[8-14:] (Torpedos)

[8-15:] Aaahh! (Diving) That was close.

[8-16:] Hm, that doesnít sound good. I know I wouldnít be too happy if I were enjoying a beer in the comfort of my house and all of a sudden got zapped by some machine I had bought thinking it was making me safer. Now, when incidents such as this happen, what recourse does the consumer have?

[8-17:] The company that manufactures the Fearwall, ConCo Innovations, actually has been very accommodating to consumers who call their toll-free number with problems.

[8-18:] I know that number well.

(Repeat of 3-08, dialing)

Some have chosen to hold on to their defective Fearwalls for a while longer in anticipation of an upgrade cartridge the company says it plans to issue soon. This cartridge will include several new colors and fontsÖ

Itís ringing.

(Repeat of 2-05, tongue click)

[8-19:] (Music)

[8-20:] (Puker) Thanks for calling ConCo Innovations. If youíre calling to place an order or just send us money, press 1. If youíre calling for some other reason, uhÖ (Looking at script) Press something else.

[8-21:] (Beep)

[8-22:] Itís some other reason, all right.

[8-23:] This is about the Fearwall, right?

[8-24:] Yeah, I just heard about it on TV. Say, you must have a lot of people calling you.

[8-25:] Nah, thatís not how I knew.

[8-26:] Well, then howÖ

[8-27:] You gave us your identity, remember?

[8-28:] Oh. Hey, you didnít plant some sort of camera insideÖ

[8-29:] Nah, itís nothing like that. Weíre picking up some sort of signal, though. Listen, just be glad I didnít say, "And you are?" because I know how much that annoys you. So, do you want me to fix it, or would you rather send the thing back?

[8-30:] Well, I suppose Iíd prefer the thing worked, if thatís possible.

[8-31:] Hereís what I need you to do. Are you in the same room as the Fearwall?

[8-32:] Yes, itís right here.

[8-33:] You see that bank of 10 pushbuttons there on the right?

[8-34:] Yes.

[8-35:] I need you to take all the fingers of one hand and hold down all five of the buttons in the top row.

(Repeat of 7-02, zabork)

[8-36:] Iím doing it.

[8-37:] Now, without releasing those buttons, with your other hand do the same for all the buttons in the bottom row.

(Repeat of 7-02, zabork)

[8-38:] OK.

[8-39:] Now, with your right foot, push up the lever that you see down there near the floor on the right side.

[8-40:] Uh, OKÖ

(Repeat of 7-02, zabork)

[8-41:] And press your nose up against the logo on front. That should reset it.

[8-42:] (Holding nose) This better work.

[8-43:] (Resetting)

Track 9: New not new

Listen

[9-01:] (Music)

[9-02:] (Yelping)

[9-03:] WhaÖwhat? What? Whatís wrong? Whatís the matter? Boy, donít tell me I fell asleep right here in the middle of the living room. What time is it? Holy mackerel. You know, I donít even remember coming out here. What was I doing here on the floor? (Getting up) TVís not on, nothing out of the ordinary. My mindís sort of a fog. I must be getting old or something. Whatís on?

(Repeat of 2-05, tongue click)

[9-04:] But Mr. Secretary, thereís still one thing you havenít answered.

[9-05:] I love this. I canít remember when I last saw this show.

[9-06:] Whoís going to be the point person for all this? Ultimately, donít people have to take responsibility for their own actions?

[9-07:] "Take responsibility for their own actions?"

[9-08:] The only thing that will fit the bill isÖ

[9-09:] "Fill," not "fit."

Öfor the people in this country to say, "Hey. Letís get up close and personal where the rubber meets the road, and just let Bush be Bush, taking the country from polysyllabic parallel construction to polysyllabic parallel construction, with an attitude." I mean, you do the math. Thatís where weíre headed, period, end of story.

[9-10:] Donít say "Period, end of story."

[9-11:] Weíll get into that a little more after the break. Coming up, mail order mind control. Can your Zip code cause you to zone out? Weíll tell you, right here. Stay with us.

(Same commercial as at beginning)

[9-12:] Hm, this is new. That sounds great. This is exactly what Iíve been looking for. When did this come out? Iíve gotta write that number downÖ (fade out)

 

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