Digital Readout No. 1: Press Enter to Exit (2001)

Click here to play the entire show uninterrupted. For individual scenes, select from below. Clicking "Listen" will play the scene without showing you the script. Clicking "Read" will take you to the script, where you also will have the option to listen.

1. Copy-writed music 1:57 Listen Read
2. The issues you really care about 3:23 Listen Read
3. Mail call 2:40 Listen Read
4. Code war 3:13 Listen Read
5. The Web sucks 1:54 Listen Read
6. More simulated talk radio 6:30 Listen Read
7. In the loop 2:08 Listen Read
8. Failure to communicate 1:00 Listen Read
9. Adventures in paradigm 6:56 Listen Read
10. Rebooting solves everything 2:30 Listen Read
11. The day after 2:00 Listen Read

1. Copy-writed music


[01Q01:] (Fade in typing) (*) Oh, hi, Lan. Yeah, Iím printing out the agenda right now. (Hums) SaveÖand Print. (Clicks)

(*) [02L:] Are we having a meeting this morning, Qwert?

[03A01:] (LaserJet)

[04Q02:] (Over printer) Drat! The periodís outside the quotation marks. Thatís not up to Comzitís standards. Iíve got to print it again. (Typing, clicks)

(Repeat of A01)

[05Q03:] Hey, thatís catchy. (Hums printer theme)

[06A02:] (Music theme, piano version)

2. The issues you really care about


[01A01:] (Reich Sextet, 1st movement, beginning at 4:12)

[02A02-05A05]: (Entering and sitting)

[06Q01:] (While sitting) Morning, Shel.

[07S01:] (While sitting) Good morning, gentlemen, ladies.

[08L01:] Thereís just six of us. Isnít Ada supposed to be at this meeting?

[09S02:] Sheís in Paris, Lan.

[10L02:] That hasnít stopped her before.

[11S03:] I know, but all the communications are down over there.

[12L03:] They are?

[13S04:] Yeah, she just told me.

[14L04:] OK, then letís get started.

[15Q02:] Hereís the agenda.

[16A06-21A11:] (Taking and looking at papers)

[22S05:] Um, Qwert, we took care of this second one already last time.

[23Q03:] Take a pen.

[24A12:] (Throwing out 6 pens)

[25A13-30A18:] (Taking pen and making crossout)

[31A19:] (Returning pens)

[32L05:] And the fourth one too.

[33S06:] (Sigh)

[34Q04:] Oh, manÖ

(Repeat of A13-A19)

[35S07:] Should we do this first one?

[36L06:] "Reorganize the agenda."

[37Q05:] Sen. Cantwell, you submitted this one.

[38A20:] Yes.

[39Q06:] What was the concern here?

[40A21:] We donít have an organizational structure.

[41Q07:] Iím not sure I understand. We have eight agenda items, theyíre numbered 1 through 8. I donít see what further organization is necessary.

[42L07:] I agree. In fact, I would point out, Sen. Cantwell, that the way itís organized now actually is to your advantage. After all, your item is shown as no. 1, and here we are talking about it.

[43A22:] This is the second time.

[44L08:] It is?

[45Q08:] Rep. Dunn, is that true?

[46A23:] This issue has been on the books for over eight years.

[47L09:] Well, Rep. Dunn, youíve been at Comzit longer than any of us, soÖ

[48A24:] I think itís very important for us to talk about.

[49L10:] We are talking about it.

(Repeat of A22: The second time.)

[50L11:] Well, yeahÖ

(Repeat of A23: Over eight years.)

[51L12:] OK, OK, I get the point.

[52A25:] Sheís been suffering.

[53L13:] And I suppose you have, too.

[54A26:] Weíd be submitting a further question on that.

[55Q09:] You know, I actually wouldnít have a problem with taking some of these items and breaking them out into a separate agenda. Like no. 5 here, "Add more items to morning agenda." That really could be a larger, self-contained project that we could talk about in the afternoon meeting, which right now we donít have an agenda for anyway.

[56S08:] Thatís OK, Qwert. I wonít be here for that, so that works out well.

[57L14:] Well, gosh, Shel, without you itís going to be a pretty small meeting.

[58A27:] A group of folks who really know what theyíre talking about.

[59Q10:] Well, maybe. Anyway, we can address that one later.

[60A28:] Would you have a formal review of it?

[61Q11:] Yes, everyone should bring written documentation.

[62A29:] Weíd be happy to provide you information that we have.

[63A30:] Weíre gonna have a fine document.

[64L15:] Sen. Gorton, you havenít said anything. Are you OK with moving no. 5 to afternoon?

[65A31:] Do it however you wish.

[66Q12:] OK, so weíve crossed out two items, weíve moved another, and as soon as weíre satisfied that this first item has been resolved, weíll be done with half the agenda. I propose we take these four remaining items and number them 1 to 4 for next time.

[67L16:] Iím down with that.

[68Q13:] Sen. Cantwell, do you have another suggestion?

[69A32:] (String of uhís)

[70Q14:] Weíre done, then.

[71A33:] Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

[72S09:] We got a lot accomplished, I think.

[73A34:] I think weíve done a great job.

[74Q15:] Thanks, Rep. Dunn.

[75A35:] I thought that question was intriguing.

[76Q16:] Me, too. OK, this meeting is adjourned. Iíll see most of you later this afternoon. Itís been a pleasure meeting with you all.

[77A36:] It has been most pleasing to all of us who really want to get something done on this.

[78Q17:] Well, Iím glad.

[79A37:] Weíre doing the Lordís work.

[80Q18:] Yeah, whatever.

3. Mail call


[01A1:] (Music theme, organ version)

[02S1:] (Sitting at desk) Well, great. Another stupid meeting. Where was I? Oh Ė phoneís blinkingÖ (dialing)

[03A2:] (Dial tone)

[04A3:] Mailbox?

[05A4:] (Single beep on cell phone)

[06A5:] Password?

(Repeat of 05A4)

[07A6:] You have one new voice message.

[08P:] Hi, this is Philo Pascal calling at 7pm Tuesday evening, with an update on strategies for upcoming target parameters here at Comzit Company. Weíve set our metrics high this quarter in the hope of capitalizing on the success of our new ClamDigger cash generating program. As you know, the last quarter saw sales fall slightly, with ClamDigger getting up and running too late to reverse the trend and make us reach our goal. Now that our customers and sales staff have access to ClamDigger, weíre sure itís just a matter of time before the cash starts flowing in. Hereís where you can help. Everyone in the company should go to our Web site and test ClamDigger to make sure it works on their computer. If you try it with some multiple of $5, that should produce the best results. (*1) Look at your next pay stub, and if the amount shows up as having been deducted, weíll know the software is working. You might want to experiment with 2- and 3-digit amounts just to make sure. Maybe try it with 2 or 3 different savings account numbers. Once weíre sure itís working, we can start marketing it aggressively. Weíre counting on your participation, which can end up helping you at review time. (*2) All of us here on the top floor are really excited about this new system. Weíll consider whether to keep you posted.

The other big thing thatís going on is the restructuring of upper management and how it may affect the other people in the company, if any. This restructuring is already under way. In fact, the building contractors left here just a few minutes ago after taking some measurements, and it looks like I should be able to get that 2-foot extension of my window that will give me a view of the poplars. This should not have any effect on you or anyone you may actually know. (*3)

Finally, Iíd just like to remind you about the big company picnic thatís coming up in just a few weeks. Weíll be drawing one of your names at random shortly, and once we know who you are, youíll be receiving a personal email letting you know what kinds of things weíd like to have at the picnic when we all show up at your place. Well, itís about time for my power nap now, so I just want to thank you all for the great job youíre doing, and weíll be expecting you to do even better. A lot better. Have a good day, and make me more money.

(*1) [09S2:] Hm.

(*2) [10S3:] Iíll bet.

(*3) [11S4:] I see.

[12S5:] Noted.

4. Code war


[01A01:] (Music theme, harp version)

[02Q01:] Well, I thought that was a very productive meeting we just had, didnít you, Sen. Gorton?

[03A02:] Well, on one level thatís a hard question for me to answer.

[04Q02:] Yeah, I thought so. Not using that 10% of your brain today, huh?

[05A03:] Only 3/10 of 1%.

[06Q03:] Well, thatís OK. You should be up to speed in this job by two thousand four.

[07A04:] Twenty-oh-four.

[08Q04:] OK, now youíre talking like an R&D person. We say two thousand two in this department.

[09A05:] Perhaps weíre wrong on that.

[10Q05:] Go back to your desk, Senator.

[11A06:] This is just absolute nonsense.

[12Q06:] Thatís me. Ö Thank goodness heís gone. (Shuffling papers) Hm. (Dialing phone) Lan, did we walk off with each otherís notes? I wonder how that happened. OK. (Hanging up) (Pause)

[13L01:] I knew this wasnít mine when I realized that I could read it.

[14A07:] (Exchanging papers)

[15Q07:] Lan, as long as youíre here, can I show you this thing? I notice Iíve still got it open.

[16L02:] Sure.

[17Q08:] Look at what Zitcom have done with their Web site. I think Comzit could do something similar. You see this box?

[18L03:] You mean this here?

[19A08:] (Kicking cardboard box)

[20Q09:] No, not that. The box on the screen.

[21L04:] OKÖ

[22Q10:] Now watch what happens when I type this in. (Typing, hitting Enter)

[23A09:] (Jet Screamerís entrance)

[24L05:] Ah! Look at that.

[25Q11:] Isnít that great? Is there any reason we couldnít do something like that?

[26L06:] Isnít that sort of what ClamDigger already does?

[27Q12:] Kind of, but Iím thinking we could expand it so it works with other parts of the site. Like on our employment opportunities page, we could redirect certain applicants to the site for the unemployment office.

[28L07:] Put a lot of thought into this, havenít you, Qwert?

[29Q13:] As a matter of fact, Iíve started writing some code. Iím refraining from broadcasting it, though.

[30L08:] Probably a good idea.

[31Q14:] Iím hoping that I might have something ready to show by the time Ada gets back.

[32L09:] Need any help?

[33Q15:] Yeah, you want to get together later today?

[34L10:] How about around 5 when people are starting to leave?

[35Q16:] Iíll be here.

[36L11:] OK, Iíll come back then and you can show me what you have. Do you know that your radio is on?

[37Q17:] Oh, yeah. Turn it up to about 2, would you?

[38A10:] (Mount St. Helens tour guide)

[39L12:] That how you want it?

[40Q18:] Yeah, thanks. (Pause) Letís seeÖ (Typing) append blank, replace quinfo with sfx, select bax, skip, enddo, close all, clear. AndÖsave. Letís try running this nowÖ

[41A11:] (Game show buzzer)

[42Q19:] Rats. Cancel. (Hitting Enter) What did I do wrong there? Ah! Forgot the close quote. (Typing, hitting Enter)

[43A12:] Ask what you can do for your country.

[44Q20:] Now Iím speaking your language. Once againÖ (Hitting Enter)

(Repeat of 23A09)

[45Q21:] Yes!

5. The Web sucks


[01A01:] (Music theme, string version)

[02A02:] (Cuckoo clock striking 5)

[03Q01:] (Typing) Yes! Oh, this is really cominí along.

[04S01:] Qwert, itís 5:00. Iím gonna take off.

[05Q02:] OK, Shel, have a good evening.

[06S02:] Weíll see.

[07Q03:] Now we define all these things: (Typing) x=Thursday, y=welikeyou, Zantac=Zantac.

[08L01:] Hey, Qwert.

[09Q04:] Come on in, Lan. You know I havenít stopped working on this since you left?

[10L02:] That must mean itís either really good or really bad.

[11Q05:] Well, itís real, I know that much.

[12L03:] So are you at a point where you can show it to me?

[13Q06:] Yeah. Now first, I want to go back to the Zitcom Web site, for comparison. (Click) Let me get off this e-card site.

[14L04:] Were you sending Rami a card?

[15Q07:] Nah, I couldnít find anything. Itís all Bettmann and fine art crap. (*) Here, this is what I was showing you earlier.

(*) [16A03:] (Main viewing screen)

[17L05:] It looks different.

[18Q08:] No, itís the same page as before.

[19L06:] I know, but look. That flashing hyperlink wasnít there before.

[20Q09:] Hm. Youíre right, thatís new. They just added it in the last few hours.

[21L07:] What is it?

[22Q10:] I donít know, but with my luck, it means Iím going to have to rethink my whole idea.

[23L08:] Well, thereís only one way to find out.

[24Q11:] Yep. Letís see what happens. (Click)

[25A04:] (Mount St. Helens rumbling)

[26L09:] Geez, thatís loud. Why do you have your speakers up so high?

[27Q12:] Theyíre not even on.

[28L10:] What? Thatís weird. Itís Ė aahh!

[29Q13:] Weíre being pulled in!

[30L11:] Aaahhh!

[31Q14:] Aaahhh!

[32A05:] (Jetsons arrive)

[33A06:] (Surf Ė 1st of 13)

6. More simulated talk radio


[01A01:] (Walking to car, using key)

[02S01:] Ah, going home. I canít believe it. Finally.

[03A02:] (Getting in car, starting engine, driving)

[04S02:] I want to get out of this parking lot and on the road!!

(Recording within recording starts Ė all contained within 03A02)

[05A03:] (Loud music (*1) Ė bumper)

[06W01:] Itís 5:18 on talk radio KRNK with the Gus Wind show, and weíre talking about the incident that just occurred on the Gantt Superhighway, where police officers opened fire on a stalled turnip truck. No one fell off the truck, and no blood was gotten from it, but the incident calls into question whether the police would have been so quick to react had it been a doughnut truck. If youíre driving around right now with a load of parsnips, or eggplants, or tofu, or licorice Ė are you worried for your safety? Thatís our topic this hour. Like to hear from you. 313-KRNK is the number to call. Letís go now to Buzz in Smokamish on line 5. Buzz, good evening, youíre on KRNK.

[07Z:] Yeah, the problem isnít with our local police so much as the federal government, (*2) man. If we were allowed to have more trucks on the road hauling loads of hemp instead ofÖ

[08W02:] All rightÖthe Congressman snuck past the screener again. Steve, have that call traced so we can try to find out what he does during the day. Letís try again. Roger in Gunnison, youíre up next.

[09R01:] Boy, I sure was quick to get on. I guess there arenít many people waiting ahead of me.

[10W03:] Well, Steve says he had a good reason for moving you to the head of the line. So Iím hoping youíll get to your point as quickly as we got to you.

[11R02:] Iím a peace officer out here in the 21st Precinct. Been with the force 8 years now.

[12W04:] Ah-hah.

[13R03:] I donít appreciate some of the things (*3) youíve been saying about the police.

[14W05:] What have I said thatís critical?

[15R04:] Youíve been bad-mouthing us, saying we have high cholesterol levelsÖ

[16W06:] I never said that.

[17R05:] Yeah, well, I think people need to watch their mouths.

[18W07:] Oh, you do, do you?

[19R06:] I doubt that those people would want to go out and do what we do every day. We put our butts on the line for them. (*) And then we have to listen to them attack us, (*4) and weíre supposed to just sit back and not say anything. We get no appreciation. And the worst ones are the cancer patients, these good-for-nothing potheads who think theyíre entitled to own assets. You know, itís all part of this culture of incivility thatís being fostered by people like you and everyone else in the Jewish media.

(*) [20A04:] (Baby crying)

[21W08:] Oh, really.

[22R07:] You control what goes out over the air, you make sure your agenda gets into everythingÖ

[23W09:] The agenda was only in the first two scenes.

[24R08:] Öand then when things donít go your way, (*) you blame it on the people (*5) who are really out there in the trenches doing the things that make your quality of life possible. The good decent hard-working Americans who keep things running.

(*) [25A05:] (Snoring)

[26W10:] Is that so?

[27R09:] People who embody the Crudeo-Justian values this country was founded on, the way Ben Jackson and Thomas Harrison and all the other founding fathers intended. People who believe in freedom of arms and the right to bear speech. We are the nuculus, the fundamation.

[28W11:] Those are strong words, Rog.

[29R10:] (*6) You know, when I was a boy growing up in Americaís heartland, (*) my parents instilled respect in me. Good American values like love of gunnery, I, I mean country. And by fighting for those values, Iíve earned the privilege of listening to you, John, sitting there and attacking all thatÖ

(*) [30A06:] (Country music)

[31W12:] Wait a minute Ė did you just call me John?

[32R11:] (Pause) Is this 555-2001?

[33W13:] No, this isÖ

[34A07:] (Hangs up)

[35W14:] (Pause) Bain on Fantasy Island, youíre on with Gus Wind. Hello.

[36B01:] Hi, Gus, great show. I agree with you that this thing with the turnip truck might be just the beginning. The police wonít stop at turnips. In fact, Iíve written a haiku to illustrate my point.

[37W15:] Just a second here, gotta cue the haiku musicÖ

[38A08:] (Sakura)

[39B02:] Turnips crossed the law / Now theyíre lying on the road/ Cell phone users next?

[40A09:] (Applause)

[41W16:] Excellent work, Bain. Of course, we donít want to give the cops any ideas.

[42B03:] Maybe you can do that next hour.

[43W17:] Maybe, though in a different regard. (*7) Thanks, Bain. And you know, that goes to what I was saying earlier. Do I ask yes-or-no questions and then answer them? Yes. Is that an annoying rhetorical device? Absolutely. But the cost of protecting yourself from it is too great. Steve, do we have time for one more before the break? Letís go to Sunshine in Dusky Valley.

[44E01:] Well, I have a theory. You tell me if you think this makes sense.

[45W18:] Oh, Iíll tell you.

[46E02:] The cops like doughnuts, but not turnips. They like whites, but not blacks. They like drug money, but not drugs. Using the same logic, do they like Bob or Jane?

[47W19:] Well, it must be Jane, because they like only things that have a silent vowel in them.

[48E03:] Thatís right. (*8) So, what do you think?

[49W20:] Well, OK, but whoís Jane?

[50E04:] I havenít figured that part out yet, but I have a few leads.

[51W21:] All right, but make it quick, I have 10 seconds.

[52E05:] Alexander, Campion, Curtin, Fonda, Greer, Kennedy, Krakowski, Leeves, Meadows, Pauley, Powell, Russell, Seymour, Smiley, Withers, Wyatt, WymanÖ

[53A10:] (Bumper)

[54W22:] Keep us posted on that, Sunshine. Weíll be right back, but first, gotta pay some bills.

[55I:] Hi, Iím Bill and I want your moneyÖ (*9)

[56A11:] (Classical music)

(Part of main recording:)

(*1) [57S03:] Ugh. (Turns down) I donít need to hear that. Letís see what Gus is up toÖ

(*2) [58S04:] This guy always calls.

(*3) [59S05:] Oh, this should be good.

(*4) [60S06:] Hee-hee!

(*5) [61S07:] Donít make me change the station.

(*6) [Approx. position] [62S08:] Turning, turning, turningÖ

(*7) [63S09:] Hm.

(*8) [64S10:] I see.

(*9) [65S11:] I donít want to hear that stupid commercial. (Hums) This time in the car is about the only chance I get to have some peace and quiet. (*) I bet Qwert and Lan are still at the office. Those two need to find something better to do.

(*) [66A12:] (Angry driver passing)

7. In the loop


[01A01:] (Crickets)

[02L01:] QwertÖwhere are we?

[03Q01:] We got sucked into the Web.

[04L02:] I donít see anything. Just a bunch of white.

[05Q02:] The page must be taking a while to load.

[06L03:] That link you clicked on was new. You think maybe itís still under construction?

[07Q03:] I think maybe it doesnít do what they think it does.

[08A02:] (Space traffic)

[09Q04:] Whup! Sounds like itís almost through loading.

[10L04:] I hope itís someplace fun.

[11A03:] (Video arcade)

[12Q05:] Itís OK. Itís just some game site. Pretty well designed, too: black background, no blink textÖ

[13L05:] Hereís a menu posted. Adventure Games, Word Games, TetrisÖ

[14Q06:] I think weíd better stay away from Adventure.

[15L06:] Well, we need to do something. I mean, this place is pleasant enough, but there has to be a way out of here.

[16Q07:] We could try the back arrow. You see it up there? That might surf us back to where we were.

[17L07:] Yeah, but how do we get to it?

[18Q08:] See this graphic that shows a shooting gallery? Here. Take this pop gun and donít let go of it. See if you can hit the arrow with it.

[19L08:] Itís worth a try, I guess. OK, stand back.

[20A04:] (Pop gun and bell)

(2nd use of 5-33A06, surf)

(Repeat of A01, crickets)

[21Q09:] Oh, no.

[22L09:] What?

[23Q10:] Itís one of those stupid links that traps you in an endless loop. (*) It just runs itself again and puts you back on the same page. We canít get back that way.

(*Repeat of A03, arcade)

[24L10:] What about the Home icon? Do you have your home page set to our company Web site?

[25Q11:] Well, umÖ

[26L11:] It would surf us to familiar surroundings, at least. Iíll try to hit it.

[27Q12:] No, donítÖ

(2nd use of A04, bell)

(3rd use of 5-33A06, surf)

[28A05:] (Hi-fi store)

[29L12:] This isnít Comzitís Web site.

[30Q13:] NoÖitís the auction site. Iíve been bidding on a new stereo for Ramiís birthday. I swear I wasnít doing that when you came into my officeÖ

[31L13:] I donít care about that. Is there any way we can surf back to our own site from here? Do you have a bookmark set for it?

[32Q14:] Of course. I have bookmarks for everything. That would take awfully careful aim, though. Youíd have to hit the menu three times, at just the right place each time.

[33L14:] Iím going to have to think about this.

8. Failure to communicate


[01A1:] (Car pulling up)

[02A2:] (Going from car into front door)

[03S1:] (Humming on way to door)

[04S2:] (Indoors, standing) AhÖhome at last. This is what work is all about, having a nice home to come back to where I can forget all about the stuff I do at work. Now let me at that computerÖ (Sitting at desk) This is nothing like what I do at work. Oh, I left it on all day. How convenient. (Click)

[05A4:] (Bloop + garbled radio message)

[06L1:] (Speeded up) Shel, itís us, Qwert and Lan!

[07Q1:] (Speeded up) Weíre trapped in here!

[08L2:] (Speeded up) You gotta help us!

[09S3:] Oh, man, I hate these popup ads. Go away. (Click)

[10Q2:] (Speeded up) Help, Shel!

[11L3:] (Speeded up) Sheeelll!

[12A5:] (Pee-ongg)

9. Adventures in paradigm


(Repeat of 7-28A05, hi-fi store)

[01Q01:] Iím not sure what he could have done for us, anyway.

[02L01:] Even before now, I thought that. Listen, Iím going to go ahead and try to hit that bookmark. Even if I miss it and we surf somewhere else, at least youíll be able to tell me where we are.

[03Q02:] Yeah, go ahead.

(3rd use of 7-20A04, bell)

[04Q03:] OK, on the drop-down, itís the third line from the top. You think you can hit that?

[05L02:] Weíre about to find out.

(4th use of 7-20A04, bell)

[06L03:] Whoops, not quite.

(4th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[07A01:] (Pigs)

[08L04:] I didnít see what it was that I hit.

[09Q04:] This is We should be safe here, at least.

[10L05:] Yeah, but I think you and I are standing in different frames. That might not be good. We could get separated if one of the frames changes.

[11Q05:] You think I could come over there where you are?

[12L06:] Yeah, here, grab my hand and step across. Donít step on that link!

[13Q06:] Aaahh!

[14L07:] Aaahh!

(5th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[15A02:] (Chickens)

[16L08:] Try not to do that.

[17Q07:] So do you feel up to trying the menu again?

[18L09:] Iíll try it once more, but then I think weíre going to have to consider other options.

(5th and 6th uses of 7-20A04, bell)

[19L10:] So far so good. Got the submenu open this time. Now which one is it?

[20Q08:] The first one. These are all Web links to local locations.

[21L11:] Iím glad you think we merit top billing, at least. OK, here goes.

(7th use of 7-20A04, bell)

(6th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[22A03:] (Rain)

[23Q09:] Well, that was a little better, but not really. This is the City of Seattle home page. Letís go stand under that big capital letter T over there.

[24A04-25A05:] (Walking through puddles)

[26L12:] Any chance we can surf to someplace indoors?

[27Q10:] Yeah, the Visitor Center. Step right over hereÖ

(7th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[28A06:] (Cave)

[29L13:] This is better, but itís still pretty wet in here.

[30Q11:] Must be earthquake damage.

[31L14:] Here, letís surf to the mayorís office. You can bet that place is in better shape.

(8th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[32L15:] This is the mayorís office? Not much going on here.

[33Q12:] That sounds about right.

[34L16:] All right, Iím convinced this isnít getting us anywhere. Weíre just wandering around now.

[35Q13:] We need to be able to get in touch with someone. Weíve got to let someone know whatís happened to us. Boy, I wish Iíd thought to add to my bookmarks. I bet Jeeves could help us.

[36A07:] (Jeeves music)

[37A08:] Yes, sir.

[38L17:] Oh, look.

[39Q14:] Whoa! What are you doing here?

[40A09:] I had to go down to the larder.

[41Q15:] Jeeves, weíre in a jam. We need to find a way to get off the Web altogether, but weíre just jumping around, hitting bookmarks at random.

[42A10:] One page at a time, sir?

[43Q16:] Iím thinking we could try to find an ftp site and try to get ourselves downloaded onto my hard disk. How does that sound to you?

[44A11:] Is that wise, sir, so soon after a heavy meal?

[45Q17:] Well, it might take a while, but it would get us out of here.

[46A12:] The theory is a tenable one, sir.

[47L18:] Yeah, but Qwert, if we end up on your computer, thatís a dead end. What if somebody turns it off? As long as weíre on the Web, we know itís open 24 hours.

[48A13:] A very trenchant metaphor, sir.

[49Q18:] (Sigh) If only there were some way of getting through to Ada. I bet sheíd know what to do.

[50A14:] Perhaps you might write to her yourself.

[51Q19:] I guess we could find a way to do that.

[52L19:] The communications are down, remember? And besides, itís 3 in the morning in Paris. Weíd have to wake her up, and we canít very well telephone her hotel room.

[53A15:] Unless you can persuade one of your friends to do so, sir.

[54Q20:] Maybe, but this is a bad time. Most people probably are still on the road right now, or theyíre not at their computers.

[55L20:] Well, we know Shel is.

[56A16:] I missed that part of the entertainment.

[57Q21:] Lan, Shel wouldnít listen even when we talked to him directly. Assuming we could find a way to email him, would he even believe us?

[58A17:] Possibly not, sir, but it might make him more resolute.

[59Q22:] Well, no matter. I just thought of somewhere we can go to find people who have the answers. I have a bookmark that will take us to a Web-based news server.

[60A18:] A very acute observation, sir.

[61Q23:] Yes, well, thanks for your help, Jeeves.

[62A19:] Will that be all, sir?

[63Q24:] For now, yes.

[64A20:] Good night, sir.

[65Q25:] OK, Lan, youíve already succeeded once in getting two correct hits in a row. If you can do that again, then maybe we can surf onto the newsgroup page. We can navigate the links on that page to find someone who can tell us what to do. First, open the Bookmarks menu.

[66L21:] Whatever.

(8th use of 7-20A04, bell)

[67L22:] This is getting tiring.

[68Q26:] Itís the bottom one.

[69L23:] Well, heck, I can reach that myself from here.

[70A21:] (Little zabork)

(9th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[71A22:] (Newsroom)

[72L24:] OK, so weíre on the newsgroup page. Now what?

[73Q27:] Well, unless this was caused by something on our end, there must be other people in the same situation as ours. So if we search on the name Zitcom, weíll probably find posts talking about this problem.

[74L25:] OK, but how can we do a search if we canít reach the keyboard?

[75Q28:] We donít need it. All the letters we need are right here on the page Ė we just have to plug them into the search engine. Here. Hereís a Z (*1), and an I (*2), and a T (*3), and a C-O-MÖ (*4)

[76A23:] (Squish pop + fweet-thump)

[77Q29:] Now we run the search.

(Repeat of 70A21, little zabork)

[78A24:] ("Chandra Condit")

[79Q30:] Itís running. If weíre lucky, some threads will come up.

[80L26:] Yeah, right, threads.

[81A25:] (Jetsons land and stop)

[82Q31:] Oh, hereís a couple of entire groups devoted to Zitcom: biz.zitcom, and

[83L27:] HmmÖwhich one is likely to be more honest?

[84Q32:] Maybe neither, so we might as well take them in order.

[85L28:] Biz.zitcom, here we come.

(10th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[86A26:] (Party crowd)

[87L29:] Well, this is a happy group.

[88Q33:] Thereís nothing real going on here, just a lot of empty schmoozing and shilling. Letís go back.

(11th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[89Q34:] Weíre counting on you,

(12th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[90A27:] (Angry crowd)

[91Q35:] This is more like it. These people wonít hold anything back. Letís see what kinds of conversations we have going on here: "I was on hold for 48 hours"Ö"Zitcom, the Great Satan"Ö

[92L30:] Here! Here it is. "Problems with new Web link."

[93Q36:] Letís go in!

(13th use of 5-33A06, surf)

[94A28:] (Weird vibes - WB)

[95L31:] HeyÖwhat the heck is this?

[96Q37:] Uh-oh. This doesnít look right. This isnít a thread. Somebodyís hacked this Web site and added a bogus link. I think weíve found ourselves face to face with aÖaÖ

[97L32:] A what?

[98A29:] (Worm)

[99Q38:] A worm. This thing is going to download itself into the browser cache and then start replicating itself. In less than a minute, itíll be all over Comzitís systems.

[A1L33:] Not if we can help it, it wonít. Grab on, maybe we can subdue it.

[A2Q39:] Ecch! Itís kind of hard to hold on to.

[A3L34:] Unnhhh! Itís no useÖtoo powerfulÖI canítÖ

[A4Q40:] Itís downloading!

[A5L35:] Aaaahhh!

[A6Q41:] Aaaahhh!

(Repeat of 5-32A05, Jetsons arrive)

10. Rebooting solves everything


[01A01:] (Music theme, MIDI version)

[02A02:] (Star Trek bridge sequence)

[03G01:] Hello? Any techies still here?

[04N01:] Duh, Iím here, George.

[05G02:] Ah, Nerdly. I just made the rounds, and everyone else at Comzit seems to have gone home. You can bring the server down now.

[06N02:] Duh, letís seeÖwhich button was that again?

[07G03:] UmÖyou know, Iíve done this before, I should know this.

[08A03:] (Worm Ė mechanized)

[09N03:] Whatís that?

[10G04:] A wormís come in. Someoneís work station must still be on. I must have missed it.

[11N04:] DuhÖdoes that mean we get to do something, George?

[12G05:] We gotta bring the network down immediately. Quick, Nerdly, reboot the server!

[13N05:] DuhÖ

[14G06:] Never mind, Iíll do it.

[15A04:] (Reboot Ė emerging)

(Repeat of 9-98A29, worm)

[16Q01:] Waughhh! (Grappling)

[17L01:] Waughhh! (Grappling)

[18G07:] Holy Mac. Itís Qwert and Lan.

[19A05:] (Worm dies)

[20Q02:] We did it. We killed the worm and got out at the same time.

[21L02:] UghÖ

[22G08:] What happened to you guys?

[23Q03:] We clicked on the new link at Zitcomís Web site.

[24G09:] Oh, yeah. You shouldnít do that.

[25Q04:] You mean you know about this problem?

[26G10:] Yeah, itís a new anticompetitive practice we came up with. Weíre just toying with it right now. I guess itís not such a good idea. Weíll put a change request through.

[27L03:] Oh, man. Could I use a shower.

11. The day after


[01A01:] (Music theme, MIDI version with coda)

[02Q01:] (Typing) (*) Oh, you bet, Shel! I feel revitalized by all this. I think youíre going to love this new proposal. Of course, Lan doesnít want anything to do with it, but Iíll want to get everyone elseís input.

(*) [03S01:] I wasnít sure youíd even come in, Qwert, after what happened to you yesterday.

[04A01:] They say success has many parents.

[05Q02:] Yeah, whatever. You might be able to help me smooth out some of the rough spots.

[06A02:] We have no special expertise.

[07Q03:] No, but youíll understand how this affects you. I think itís really going to make us a world leader. In what, Iím not real sure yet.

[08A03:] What limits are upon this power of technology?

[09Q04:] Well, weíll see. There are some people out there who wish it would all just go away. But as long as itís here, we might as well try to do good things with it.

[10S02:] I hope we all can stay around to see you finish this.

[11Q05:] Why, do you know something I donít?

[12S03:] No, noÖ

(Repeat of 1-03A01, LaserJet Ė fade out)


Carson Restoration Archive Project
HomeSite map
Spoken word: Digital Readout TrilogyRadio spots
Music: Bulbous!Other songsInstrumentals
Text: WritingsPuzzles